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July 2009

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Jul. 8th, 2009

Anxieties

I have not posted here much recently because, to be honest, it is difficult to determine what I should post or keep secret. For this reason, much of this journal will be private. Summer has been unusually long for me this year.

Jun. 13th, 2009

Flash

Last night, I had another odd dream about dying. In this one, I was in a house painting a wall. I saw a bright flash of light, and fell down dead. Just like in the other dreams, I couldn't feel my body after it was over, but I could see a lot of fire. Fire seems to be a reoccurring thing in these dreams, but it never seems to hurt.

Jun. 12th, 2009

Prayers and Vows

When praying, I simply cannot do so out loud. It isn't so much that I'm self conscious. Its like there's a mental block. When I do manage to get past it, it feels wrong. I have decided to try writing my prayers instead, in a notebook... fifty times each. That will feel satisfying. People sometimes say I'm too severe.

Sick

The sulfa drugs really make me sick to my stomach. I was up most of last night, vomiting. I hate it, but I'm afraid to go off them. I've heard that if you go off an antibiotic too soon, the bacteria can become resistant and return in force. So, I guess I will have to suffer, which really isn't that bad, now, is it? Suffering gives one character. The bag I was knitting for the cards had to be unraveled and started over, because I cast on way too many stitches. Happens. Knitting is fun, anyways.

Its like my entire outlook on life has changed. I can't seem to become upset, at least not in the usual fashion. Sad, yes, happy, yes, but not upset. I've become resigned to making choices in life while simultaneously accepting what ever happens to be chosen for me.

Jun. 11th, 2009

Knitting and Tarot

I started knitting a little bag for a tarot deck. It isn't too hard. I thought knitting would be almost impossible given how uncoordinated I am, but it turns out I can really do it. I am knitting the bag from silk, and plan to fill it with lavender for a few days. I am not sure why I picked lavender, but I've been so nervous about all this that I thought it would help keep me calm.
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Sulfa Drugs

I had X drive me to the doctor yesterday so that they could examine the flap of skin that was once filled with blood that I popped yesterday. He called it an abscess. Apparently they aren't always filled with pus, and dark-colored blood can be effectively the same thing. He said I did a good job cleaning it after it "popped." I didn't manage to tell him I popped it myself on purpose, but I think he knew anyways. He gave me a ten-day prescription for something called Sulfameth, which is a type of antibiotic, and told me to take it with food.Read more...Collapse )

Why?

The worst feeling in the world comes from staring longingly out the window bored out of your head at 1am.

Jun. 10th, 2009

Tarot Cards

I got a pack of tarot cards today, and I might try to use them soon. Right now, I'm just trying to memorize the symbols.

Another Death Dream

I had another dream about dying last night. This one involved some sort of ritual. In the dream, I had some kind of cancer that was incurable, and I had two months to live, so these women came and took me to some kind of special place to die before it started to hurt. The place was like an open air plaza, but deserted except for me and the women. I just walked around in the plaza with them, but I knew for some reason that I would die at some point while I was there. I went into a shack on the edge of the plaza and found a bag filled with popcorn or something similar, and reached down to eat some of it, but it hurt to move and my arm was really tiny. I started seeing fire appear on various parts of my body, and I could see the skin and flesh burning, but I didn't feel it or anything at all on the parts that were consumed, so I just watched until it was over. For about ten seconds, my entire body was burnt and gone, but I was still there watching, then I woke up.

I'm not too freaked out by all the death dreams. I mean, I don't think they're omens or anything. I'm healthy, and I don't think I will die anytime soon. However, it does make me think and realize that someday, maybe in many many years, I really am going to die, because everyone does. Most people don't even think about it, but all those questions we ever have about death are all going to be answered some day. I wonder what I will be like at the time. I hope I live to be very old and I get at least a few months to get ready for it, just think about it and make sure I'm in order. I wonder what it'll be. When people die of old age, they really die or something else, like a heart attack or an asthma attack. I hope I'm old enough that I won't be missing anything cool when I die. I really want to know my grandkids and great grandkids, which I hope I have a lot of them.

That was bloody

This round thing started growing on one of my fingers earlier today. I thought it was a blister, but why would I have a blister? Also, it was too thick to be a blister and well beneath the skin. It didn't hurt or anything, but I kept staring at it while typing because, hey, its fucking weird to have something randomly growing off of you in the course of a day, right?

I tried squeezing it like a pimple, but it wasn't red and clearly wasn't some weird finger-zit. I was going to call X, and tell them that yet another weird thing had happened to my body, but instead I just sat down and read for awhile. I soaked it in warm water, but that didn't do anything.

After about an hour of that, I resolved to get out a needle and pop it. Despite that it didn't hurt, and popping it would hurt, and badly. I was careful with the needle. I ran it through flames for awhile, then boiled it, then wiped it down with alcohol. I rubbed the damned thing with alcohol all over, and it didn't burn or anything because, like I said, it was pretty well underneath my skin.

It took five or ten minutes to get up the courage to actually do it. The minute the needle hit my skin, it hurt like hell because of the rubbing alcohol I'd poured all over the unbroken skin trying to sanitize it. I guess I thought that if I pushed a needle into it, it would automatically pop, and hurt just briefly, like a shot. I forgot that I had to break through all that skin first.

After awhile of jabbing, it didn't really hurt anymore, like I'd gotten used to the sensation of it. And, after a few more seconds, I heard a small popping sound, and it was all over. I had my eyes closed during, but I looked to see exactly what it looked like, expecting pus at the very least.

Turns out, it was just blood. It must have been an ounce at least, and it all drained out at once. I didn't want to do this in the bathroom where someone might walk in, so I just did it over a plastic cup I found in the first floor kitchen. I've still got it, and there's just blood in it. I guess I just had a huge blood blister under my skin.

I'm going to get it checked out tomorrow to make sure it doesn't become infected.

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